Moving your mother closer to you can feel like the obvious answer at 2am, when the drive between two houses is adding up and the calendar looks impossible. It can be the right answer. It can also move her away from the people and routines that hold her up, and move you into a set of afternoons nobody counted. The questions below will not give you the answer for her, but they will show you what you need to know before you decide.
Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.
1. What does she want, in her own words?
Ask her without a plan attached. Let her answer about where she wants to be, what she wants her days to look like, and what she is afraid of losing. If her answer is "near you" only, keep asking until you know what she means by it. It may be the answer you hoped for, or it may be a different one.
2. Who is near her now, and who is near the new place?
Make two lists. The first is the people who see her now: neighbors, friends, the person from church who calls on Thursdays, the store clerk who knows her order. The second is the same list for the new address. A move can be a good idea and still cost her every name on the first list.
3. What do the afternoons really look like?
Put your own calendar next to hers for a typical week. Count the free hours, not the hopeful ones. Be honest about the school pickups, the games, and the days you work late. If the answer is that you will be the afternoon plan, write that down plainly, because it changes what the move asks of you.
4. What is the drive in the worst month?
Drive the route on a bad winter morning, then drive it at school pickup on a weekday. A ten-minute drive on a Sunday can be forty minutes on a dark afternoon. Count the drive as a real cost of the decision, not a footnote.
5. Who holds the paperwork?
Ask who holds the lease or deed, the keys, the mail, the bills, and the emergency contacts, for both the current home and the new one. Find out what needs to move and what needs to stay. The people who hold these papers, and the professionals who handle them, can answer the specifics. This is not legal advice from this desk, just a list of who to ask.
What belongs to someone else
Her medical questions go to her care team and her doctor. That includes whether her providers will transfer, how her records move, and anything about her medicines. Do not decide those alone at the kitchen table. Bring the questions to the people who can answer them.
If you want to start looking at who helps in the area before you decide anything, Local Help in St. Louis is a good place to begin. Take your time with the answer. Most of these decisions look different in daylight.